I’ll Always Love You

as tears fill my eyes and this lump builds in my throat
i’m constantly overthinking, rereading the words I wrote
how could i have been so stupid
how could i have been so blind
to question your motives, like you haven’t been here all the time
down from day one, never giving reason to question you
yet it’s hard to be ‘just friends’ if the love is true
‘friends & lovers’ can make it through
but i love you too much to be just friends with you
it may seem selfish, but i don’t want just half of you
i want it all or nothing at all
people make time for what they want
“this is just temporary”, you said…
“i still love you”, you said…
but your actions show me otherwise
some things are better left unsaid
if you don’t mean it, keep it
i don’t need to hear it…
it’s starting to make a lot more sense
it’s slowly getting clearer as the fog disappears from my vision
no longer obscured, i finally see
maybe, after all, we’re not really meant to be
right when i think i’ve found it
that’s when it turns around
you knew how to do it right
but you decided to make this change
so don’t get mad if i walk away
the freedom you’ve given me
holding on, i tried…
maybe it’s best if i just admit it & say goodbye…
i’m done wasting time
both yours and mine
i don’t know what this means for you
but i know what it means for me
breaking these chains of confusion, i’m done waiting
i refuse to be a last resort, a second best
i deserve to be someone’s everything and nothing less
it’s gonna hurt, true
but my heart will thank me, for this is for the best
admitting i was wrong for loving you
moving on and doing what i need to do
i guess this is goodbye
despite the fact i’ll always love you…

Letting go

letting go is the hardest thing to do
especially when you don’t want to
but how do I keep holding on
when it’s practically dead
some things are better left unsaid
so I’ll keep these feelings to myself
let this (& you) go and begin the healing process
somehow I knew it’d come to this
despite the unexpectedness
shocked, a little, not much
gotta admit, nonetheless, I’m gonna miss ‘us’….

Unwanted Memories


He called but it was too late
Told me he misses me
I said I missed who he used to be
Nothing like a memory
Chained doors, brick walls
Brick & mortar, sheet rock & missed calls
On my mind, but out of sight
Unwanted memories replaying in my mind
You told me what you wanted
I gave you what you need
Bent over backwards & lost sleep
Can’t remember how many times you played me
All the skirt chasing, alibis, and fake “I love you’s”
Unwanted memories tend to be my new muse
Some things will never change
I grew a backbone but your ignorance remained
Growing apart, months spun from lazy days
Love dissipates but memories remain
Same photo, different frame
Unwanted memories remind my brain
What we used to be, why we dissolved
You claim to miss me, but never loved me at all
Coming into my own, releasing the past
Unwanted memories dissipating at last…

Guilty Reading Pleasure: A Rant


sometimes i barely make it to the end, what’s the point really? does it matter anymore than if i even start at all? what about the times when my hair doesn’t look right? my clothes don’t fall right upon my obnoxious awkwardness? the days pass with hours of lazy boredom; as i sit at my laptop working, pretending to love it, wanting to relive moments from my past when i was younger, braver, more of a risk taker; i am not so much anymore. from beginning to end to the beginning again, i start over thinking i missed something important only to find the complexity wasn’t worth it to begin to end it; what about today? what about tomorrow? will this change? or will it continue to burrow: into my mind, my thoughts grow with antagonistic ideas…wanting to relive my earlier years; when my body was smaller and my teeth were straighter; starting to wonder why does it even matter…life is what we make it, or so i have heard…sometimes i wish i was born with wings to soar high alongside the most high, an eagle would suffice or maybe an owl? insomnia being my friend lately the latter would describe my lack of sufficiency, lack of uniformity, yet also the acquirement of skill; my writing tends to improve when i am still, wanting to bend and break all the rules, but do it in a way that you love me still…i am just me, these are my thoughts; what would be the answer if i had asked if you ever loved me at all?